I should be sponsored by Trojan
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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