I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
