I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
