so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
