I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
That was an excessively violent trivia night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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