I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
