man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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