If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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