so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
