You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's never too late to be topless.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
