True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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