you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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