After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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