I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize