I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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