just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize