Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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