Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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