Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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