she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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