True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The uberlube is also flammable
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
