The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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