The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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