I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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