What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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