Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
