I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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