currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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