$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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