remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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