are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
