i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
