This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
