You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
