Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
