I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
