Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
