Don't EVER smell your tampon
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
