I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
