just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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