cat food counts as protein by the way
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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