moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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