I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
