wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
