Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize