and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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