ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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