Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
