Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
