This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
