i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
