i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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