i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
