you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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