nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize