So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
