Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
