You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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