I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
