i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
