The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
