Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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