your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
