I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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